After Texas A&M’s brutal domination of the Big 12 over the years, the next step is obvious. They are coming to slay the college football dragon that we know as the Southeastern Conference, and there is nothing that can stop them.
Texas A&M has been scheming for this move for some time. They started making minor preparations dating back all the way to the early 1900’s, when a few cadets in the Texas A&M fake army soldier club skipped fire-building practice one night, and discussed what they could possibly do to have the upper hand against Florida in the Swamp in 2012. After hours of deliberation they knew what had to be done. Instead of having attractive, under-dressed female cheerleaders with dainty voices jumping and flipping on the field, they would elect 5 boys each year with funny haircuts to dress up as janitors in white jumpsuits to run around the sidelines yelling at everybody. They were sure that it would instill fear in opposing teams and fan bases, and they could not have been more correct.
Furthermore, it’s not like TAMU has no idea what playing an SEC team is like. Trust me, they know, they even beat one in 1995. They come into the league boasting a 58-78-6 overall record against teams from the Southeastern Conference. Quit laughing, a .426 winning percentage is nothing to scoff at – Albert Pujols would kill for a .426 average. So obviously what I am saying is that Texas A&M would be a shoe-in first ballot Major League Baseball Hall of Famer – name one SEC team that can hang their hat on only this? You can’t.
TAMU enters the SEC after basically being the 5th best team in the Big 12 year in and year out. That is pretty good if you ask me. So what, they have losing records against conference foes Colorado and Nebraska (then in Big 12), Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas, and Texas Tech. Big deal. They beat Baylor and Iowa State a lot – that is good kind of. They were even Gallery Furniture Bowl champions in 2001. I highly doubt they would have lost to any Texas high school teams during their time in the Big 12, and we all know how big Texas high school football is.
Texas A&M brings a different element to the college game. This element is spirit. This is intangible. Their fans never, ever, ever give up. One of my most fond memories I have of any football game was the 2005 Cotton Bowl Classic, when the fiery Rick Clausen lit the Aggie defense up for a 38 – 7 route to victory. But what the Aggies lacked on the field, they more than made up for it in the stands. Their fans were relentless. The clock was winding down in the 4th quarter, they weren’t within four touchdowns, but you would think they had just won the Super Bowl with the way they wouldn’t shut up. It almost made me wish Tennessee had lost due to all the fun the Aggie fans were having. “Oh honey! Look! We are down by forty-seven touchdowns – Riffety, riffety, riff-raff! Chiffity, chiffity, chiff-chaff! Riff-raff! Chiff-chaff! Let’s give ‘em a horse laugh: Sssssss!”
So congratulations, Texas A&M. The Big 12 leash that has been holding you back for so long and keeping you distant from any kind of success whatsoever has been severed, and you are finally free to show what you are made of. Honestly, I’m not too afraid to say that in five years from now I just might be writing an article about how Texas A&M is gearing up for their first season as a member of the AFC South.
Watch out SEC, you are about to be gigged. (Whatever the hell that means.)
-Anonymous
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